Winner Winner TV Dinner
Sensational 7 Wrestling
7th West
Oakland CA
Jan. 27, 2024
The smell of burning gasoline filled my nostrils, begging for fresh air.
“That’s not OSHA compliant!” Rosie Fingers yelled over Dolly Parton’s “9 – 5,” pointing to the now-still chainsaw at the edge of the ring.
The chainsaw had been placed there by opponent Blaqlight during his entrance. Agreed: not workplace safety compliant.
The scene was 7th West’s large interior. I stumbled inside to find a wrestling platform occupying roughly a third of the available floor space. Tables and chairs ringed the room, nearly all full, the referee’s hot-pink hair illuminating the dim space.
Channel 7’s Sensational 7 Wrestling: Winner Winner TV Dinner was in full swing.
After a bout with Abigail La Bruja (whose win prompted a “boo” from the crowd), The Bold Folks Home provided two grandmas to duke it out inside the ring, fighting for title of “Miss Grandma Oakland.”
Well, at least two bearded people bedecked in dresses, lace, wigs, and kneepads.
In typical wrestling fashion, Harpo, the slighter of the two, appeared to be on top. But the title and sash were stolen at the last moment by reigning victor Henrietta Glasscock. They proceeded to dance to Drake’s “Rich Baby Daddy.”
Bend that ass over, let that coochie breathe
Shake that ass, bitch, hands on your knees (ho)
Hands on your knees (ho), hands on your knees (ow)
Shake that ass for Drake (yup), now, shake that ass for me
Bend that ass over, let that coochie breathe (yeah)
Bold indeed.
The real star of the day was Mia Fierce, introduced by Summer Lynn (herself dressed in high heeled boot pants — yes you read that right) as hailing from “all the way down the street.” She sashayed, leapt, danced, grinded, and picked up tips to a medley of Britney Spears songs, her energy electric and bedazzled bodysuit shining.
Final round and the stakes were doubled: Vanessa Craft, the gender-fluid Druid, and their partner Butch Sawyer on one side of the ropes, and (Riveting) Rosie Fingers and partner Blaqlight on the other.
A brawl ensued. Hijinks occured. Littles boys lost in wells requested help out back, drawing Blaqlight away from the fray.
His return signaled Rosie’s brief departure, then the two got to work getting shit done— opponents tackled, stomped, and bodyslammed into victory.
The crowd cheered. Rosie inserted, then removed and bestowed upon eager viewers, her “TV dinners.”
Television wrestlers, high above the bar, fought on, and all were invited back for the next installment: So, we’ll be seeing you March 30th, your bet your sweet old ass.
