“Pillion” viewing and discussion with Midori and David Khalili of ROUSE Relational Wellness
474 24th St. Oakland
It’s not every day you get invited to watch and then discuss a film as controversial, mostly because it is mainstream, as Pillion with a large group of licensed mental health professionals, associates, and members of the Bay Area’s thriving kink community. Hosted by David Khalili, LMFT of ROUSE Relational Wellness, and artist, author, and kink educator Midori, the gathering centered on the so called Dom Com that came out earlier this year. As to why we were all gathered to watch it, Midori responded:
“We organize in-person screenings and discussions of contemporary films exploring kink, BDSM, and sexuality to give clinicians practical, experience-based education, because most receive little to no training in these areas. As more people explore kink and BDSM, the professionals they turn to must have the tools to support them. These evenings of dinner, film, and discussion are also a chance for helping professionals across disciplines to connect, share resources, and sustain each other in this work.”
The film itself explores the dynamics of first love, devotion, the pure sweetness that can come from exploring these things, and the sting when the love ends. First time film director Harry Lighton has given us a story that is oddly sweet and disconcerting. In this post Heated Rivalry world, Pillion leans into the comedy that can spring up from a dom-sub relationship, while also attempting a more serious emotional arc. Surprisingly, it comes with an interesting transformation for Colin (Harry Melling) that involves defining boundaries, relationship, and self, something often lacking in vanilla romantic comedies.
Colin is a shy, sweet parking attendant and singer in a barbershop quartet. He meets Ray (Alexander Skarsgård), an emotionally distant and entirely unavailable dom. After an awkward encounter in an alleyway that involves bootlicking, among other things, and recognizing Colin’s “aptitude for devotion,” the two begin a relationship. It is not an especially tender love story, and it is full of more heartbreak than resolution. While Colin is happy to tend to Ray’s needs by cooking, cleaning, and sleeping on Ray’s floor, he craves an emotional connection that Ray is unwilling, and perhaps unable, to give. The extremely intermittent rewards, the crumbs that Ray does bestow on him, can at times be hard to watch, in part because this relationship does not begin with negotiation. Would Ray get away with this were he not impossibly good looking?
After a moment of extreme intimacy, Ray withdraws and disappears without a trace. A grief stricken Colin goes to the ends of his earth seeking closure. The film concludes with a wiser Colin seeking new love, but with better boundaries and a clearer expression of his needs.
Midori opened the discussion that followed with a question that has lingered beyond the screening: If we remove kink and replace the main characters with a vanilla cis straight pair, would Pillion simply read as a problematic romance? It certainly contains many familiar tropes of Hollywood romance, including fear of intimacy, fawning, lack of consent, and the overbearing mother. Several therapists in attendance felt that the film ultimately paints BDSM as inherently abusive.
While the BDSM community places great importance on communication and consent, many mainstream films strip that away to appeal to audiences on the outside of this world. That raises a larger question about authorship and perspective, and how differently this storyline might have played if directed by someone more immersed in the culture it portrays.
Many lessons can be taken from Pillion, including what consent looks like, when it becomes performative, and the importance of aftercare. Midori and David suggested it could even serve as a conversation starter on a date. As to whether Colin has agency, the group largely agreed the film presents a kind of fluid agency, and a reminder, regardless of preference, to understand what you need in a relationship and to advocate for it.
ROUSE will host another edition of Ask a Kink Educator with Midori, a consult group for therapists, coaches, and wellness providers, in April.
To learn more about ROUSE, visit rouseacademy.com. If you would like to know more about Midori and her workshops check out her Patreon. ForteFemme Women’s Dominance Weekend Intensive, July 31 to August 2, will offer an exclusive weekend experience for nine women to connect with and strengthen their authentic femme dominance. Register here.
